2014 in review :)

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2014 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 600 times in 2014. If it were a cable car, it would take about 10 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

Advertisements

Don’t date a guy who’s funny.

You’re sitting at the bar sipping on your cosmopolitan and your long legs playfully twirl the bar stool. You’ve got your red dress on tonight (You made up your mind about this while listening to Summertime Sadness even though well it’s December and you’re not sad). You’re having the perfect hair day and you have flooded snapchat with your kaatil adaayein! You’ve got your game on tonight girl!

So at the bar, you scan the room for any single, good-looking man who you hope has a job, has dimples (and a good side smile. Guys who have a good side smile are better kissers. Don’t ask me how I arrived at that, just trust me), is preferably wearing a tie, isn’t gay and can make you laugh. Now this characteristic is usually topping everyone’s list. Haven’t you heard the usual – “The guy of my dreams must be Handsome, Charming, Rich & Funny”? Ok THAT guy, truly IS a man of your DREAMS, because if he existed, cloning machines would have been used to clone the shit out of him.

So getting back to you, now you spot this Bradley Cooper meets Ian Somerhalder guy who also, weirdly existed in your dreams only, but hey he’s right there! You see him drinking scotch…scotch huh! The guy must be deep and well macho! You see him approaching you and before you know it, the odor of his CK breaks the ice. You smile, he smiles.

Handsome Stranger: Hi, I’m Handsome stranger, I must say you look gorgeous (A guy once told me that men like to use words like ‘gorgeous’ and not a common ‘beautiful’ because meh, over used compliments don’t make the cut nowadays)

You at your best: Hi, I’m at my best, I must say your perfume is sexy! (A girl once told me, compliment a guy and he’s smitten. Even if you say, Hi man, you’re good to look at. He will worship you! So don’t really work hard on the fancy substitute of words).

Handsome Stranger: Thanks! I just bought it recently, was looking for a change (Hinting at the fact that his life has undergone change. Subtle much. He should wear a T shirt saying HEY I’M SINGLE. DO ME.)

You at your best: I like change =] (Keeping it short and being the mysterious girl so that he would wanna get close to you…did you sing it? I did. Haha okay)

Handsome Stranger: So are you single?

You at your best: Yes.

Handsome Stranger: Want me to CHANGE that? Ha ha ha ha ohh ha ha errr sorry was that too soon?

You at your best: *YES OH GOD YES TOO SOON YOU WEIRDO BUT OH YOU MADE A LITTLE JOKE* Hahaha you’re such a tease!

So you make conversation about where you both are from and other boring formalities when he mentions he lives in Bangalore, a place you are actually from.

Handsome stranger: Ohhh you’re from Bangalore haan? Maadi Me?

You at your best: Huh?

Handsome Stranger: Maadi means ‘do’ in Kannada. It also rhymes with marry me, it’s quite funny if you know how to speak in Kannada He he he he.

You at your best: *STARING In Disbelief  and wondering how could you let yourself stoop this low? This is officially your lowest! Even lower than the time you rebounded on a celebrity*

Handsome Stranger: *Understands the awkwardness* Come let’s get you another drink! The same one or are you ready for a CHANGE? 😉

You at your best: *HOLY MOTHERFUCKER HE WILL NEVER LET GO OF THAT JOKE* Another cosmo please.

Handsome Stranger to the bartender: One cosmo for the lady and some whiskey for me please? Yeah, any whiskey will do.

Bartender to Handsome Stranger: That would be Rs.1580 sir. Sir I have no change.

Handsome Stranger: Haha you clearly wouldn’t like the bartender huh! Ha ah hahahaha get it? Get it?

You at your best: *Grab your purse, walks away and never turn back. Throw a grenade at him so if possible so that none of us have to go through what the chutiya put you through*

Really, funny men are cynical and twisted. I’ve known a LOT of funny men and well they always prove my theory right. It’s like – Hey Good Morning Gorgeous! Wanna hear a joke? And you’re like oh no can I tell you one? OH NO. Whenever you want to recite an occurred incident, they be like – Oh no you’ll ruin the story or no no that wasn’t the story *recites the exact same story in his voice because that made all the difference*. They wont fake laugh to your jokes even though half of his jokes gutter mein sad rahe hai and they would know exactly when you fake laugh because well how long can we fake it…really and for how many different things?

SO WOMEN. Date a man who shares your sense of humour! Wish for THAT. It’s adorable when you both find the same thing funny and want the same things out of each other, it isn’t when he asks you to CHANGE.

SATAN

Disclaimer: Apologies for the harsh language. No other words could have been substituted as I didn’t wish for it to be.

Someone Else’s Island

We’ve all been asked what five objects we’d take with us to a desert island. Now it’s your best friend’s (or close relative’s) turn to be stranded: what five objects would you send him/her off with?

I have a problem. A serious problem. It’s called over packing. Thus understandably this question never really made its way to me, even if it did, it came to me as a joke – Oh Momo what are the 5 things you WOULDN’T pack haan? Ha ha ha. Hilarious. But this is an interesting take on the scenario. Let me pick a friend first;

Friend: Foram Divrania
Age: 21
Occupation: Living an enviable life and making more money than most of you reading this post (Even if you read this 10 years down the line, it would stand true #RichBurn)
A little about her: She is undeniably gorgeous, intelligent, funny (oh she is a very funny person), and a very ambitious woman who has the energy level that would put the Duracell Bunny to shame.

So if I were to see her off to a deserted island the 5 things I’d send would be the following and why;

  1. Mobile phone: Being the Twitterati and social media enthusiast that she is, she will definitely need her phone, with mobile data worth a 100 GB. Also with the amount of people she knows, helicopters could be called to drop off bags of necessities.
  2. Portable Charger: If you have been around her enough, you will hear the words “This portable charger is a lifesaver mannnn”. I’m guessing it would be helpful if the island had one tiny charging point he he he. If not her portable charges charges really quickly ok! She will survive this shit!
  3. Protein Cream: She really takes care of her hair. Living with her makes my hair strands feel so neglected because wow, there is so much you can do for your hair and you’re not doing it unless you’ve lived with Foram and she has taught you how to!
  4. Maggi: So many of you may not know this, but she is far more gifted than you think! She has this ability to measure the right amount of water for Maggie which is so perfect it would make the use of measuring instruments obsolete. Also it’s her favourite food because screw dhoklas.
  5. A highly intellectual book: She loves reading, she used to read Danielle Steel novels in play school, remember when we used to make stick figures out of play dough? Yeah, yeah she judged you. Also she is the happiest when she reads, which is nice because she really doesn’t have an anger management problem. I love you Foram. *Offers Dairy milk shots and Silk at her feet*

So there you have it, she is probably the only individual I know who packs an hour before she needs to leave for the airport, a minute before she boards a train, and whilst she is boarding the bus/cab.

Presenting to you ladies and cute boys reading this – Foram Mc Speedy Packing Divrania.

Yes, I'm creepy. Deal with it.